thoughts at 1:46 am

Last week was filled with stress and worry for me. With midterms, commuting from school/home/work, being sick a lot, and trying to balance a social life I was almost spent and was solely focusing on things that I thought were of the utmost importance at the time. But really all of those things are secondary at best. God has been showing me some amazing truths  as of late that I need to apply to my life and that I fall short on WAY too often.

 School is important for getting the grades and working toward a degree (Phys. Ed w/ a Minor in Religious Studies to be exact) but that isn't the whole picture, only a piece in Gods will for our lives. In the last semester and a half I have grown so much closer to my Savior and have worked out so many issues that I didn't even realize that I was dealing with when I came to college. My daily time with Him in prayer, as well as in fellowship with others, has changed my life tremendously. I had so easily gotten into the habit of telling God only what I thought He wanted to hear, rather than the necessary depth that our relationship yearned for. I constantly struggle most in the presence of God Himself, strange right?  So in the midst of me stressed out by midterms and deadlines setting aside time with the Lord and stepping away from the stresses for those times lifted such a weight of my shoulder, it really liberated my from my stress (which I do not deal with well)

So often I slip on my responsibility of being real with God, the one person I should long to be real with in the first place! Being real with God is an odd concept because we know that He is omniscient (all knowing!!), so why should we have to dish out our dirty lives constantly. The point however is that we should want to! An honest relationship with God requires   He does not judge our pasts or look at our sin in the way we do, because He conquered that! What an amazing truth that I am reminded of almost daily through the rush of school's insanity. Sometimes during intense bouts of studying I feel like I can't handle it (you know those really bad moments where dropping out and joining the circus seems like your best bet?) through those moments God has reminded me to look at the big picture (His picture), turning to Him for rest and comfort from the stresses we find plaguing our lives. Such an amazing God we have that He can bring us to Him even when we refuse to be real, reminding us of where we are really from. That He is home.

Happy Spring Break! 

10k or BUST!

So out of impulse I decided to sign up for a 10k that Richmond hosts in March called the Monument Avenue 10k. I have NEVER been an avid runner but I mean what the heck, why not give it a shot right? So for the past few weeks I have been casually hitting the gym every week and seeing some progress! Needless to say I will not get some fantastic time but it will be so much fun to be part of something that HUGE in the city of Richmond. Plus who could resist signing up with all those adorable feet staring back at you! My best friend Taylor and a bunch of people from my campus ministry at VCU are also running and I mean really....who doesn't love to bond over sweat and heavy breathing? (get your mind out of the gutter kiddos)

I also am contemplating the amazing idea of dressing up  as a super hero for the race...or at least wearing a VCU themed cape! With VCU being at the heart of the city, as well as a portion of where the race is held, a ton of student participation goes on. That kind of makes it the coolest thing ever.

Exciting? I think yes.
Are you ready for a Rampede?

you lit up our days so we lit up your night

(candlelight vigil for Grayson, photo courtesy of photographer Nick Liberate at Patrick Henry High School)

Over Christmas break, I lost a friend. He decided that his life didn't hold enough worth to continue living, giving into the pain and guilt that chained him down after losing his mom and battling an addiction. I met Grayson in middle school, several years ago. I don't remember exactly when or where we met but the first memory I have of him is sitting in the gym during some type of pointless assembly at the beginning of sixth grade, Grayson sat down in our row and quickly began cracking jokes and making everyone laugh. That is just who Grayson was. He had an infectious smile that lit up the room, a strong compassion for others, could build literally anything, and would try just about anything once (which may have contributed to his downfall) We were close until eleventh grade, when Grayson fell into something that he wouldn't be able to dig himself out of. An interwoven snare of pain and addiction that he would feel trapped in.
At his funeral the other day Grayson's family had requested that the reverend speak about the struggle with addiction that held so tightly to Grayson. He expressed the sad story of where they can make a person compromise ones values, the morals that were built within a stable family. Grayson's father loved him so much and would have given the whole world for Grayson to be happy and addiction free. I wish that Grayson could have fully realized how unconditionally his family and friends love him. I wish he could have seen a hope for his life, a hope for his brokenness through healing in Christ.
The emotions that follow a suicide are remnant of being lost. Your mind begins to try and wrap itself around something that it will never be able to understand. The whole thing didn't seem real until I stood beside the door of the small country church that Grayson grew up in and watched our friends carry the casket holding their very best friend to the graveside. That is when it hit a lot of us that at 19 Grayson decided that he wasn't worth it anymore, that he was gone.
Grayson was loved by so many and the fact that he touched so many lives in 19 short years is astonishing. His caring smile, heartwarming laugh, and insane sense of adventure will forever live in our hearts. 19 years isn't very long to live but Grayson's memory will stay with us here. I can only pray that those who knew him, that may fall into the same pain or feelings of dependence seek a sense of hope in Christ and see that their life holds so much worth, just as Grayson's did.

We will miss you so much Grayson. Forever in our hearts.