Counting...

I recently got a job at PartyCity for the Halloween season and have adjusted to working long hours four days a week on top of school. It hasn't been as easy as I had originally anticipated but it has been a bit of an adventure. 

Monday to Friday I rushed around feeling overwhelmed and tired. I was in a sour mood all week because of stressful presentations and an exam, but instead of embracing it and relying on God in the daily aspects of life, I was trying to do it all on my own. Basically I had a week long pity party (and no we don’t have a section for those at PartyCity). I was working two till close today and was in the same state so I decided while I was restocking some of our most popular Halloween items (, in case you were wondering) I would spend some time in prayer.

My prayer life has been lacking lately and I have found that the moments when I feel overwhelmed are the moments that I forget prayer the most (mostly all together). So while I was praying I realized how much I was taking for granted and how the very job that was taking up so much of my time was the blessing that I had been praying for, and that it had a purpose greater than what I could see. 

So I started counting…ways that, in just past week alone, God has blessed me so much greater than I deserved. It was humbling. This week has been full of wonderful happenings that I had overlooked because of  my selfish attitude all week. 

Later tonight, as we were closing I was paired with a girl named Lauren, she goes to VCU also. We talked a lot (which is different for the people that I work with) She was telling me about how she hasn't really met a lot of people at school. I invited her to small group and large group at IV, she said she doesn't know much about God but that she would love to meet some new people.

Praise God, He is so good.

The (not so little) Brother

This is me and my (not so little) brother, Bobby. This kid and I may be seven years apart but recently I have realized that we are a lot closer than what our age shows. I am so blessed to have him as a little brother and there is so much joy to being his big sister.

When I got back from being gone this summer I was extremely happy to see Bobby. We hopped in the car to go to church that Sunday morning, cranked the music up, and had so much fun arguing over what song to play then singing at the top of our lungs to whatever song came on next. (yes that included "don't stop believing")

 My brother and I most definitely have our differences and times when sibling rivalry reigns supreme but all in all I could never wish for a better kid to call my brother. I have enjoyed hanging out with him a bunch in the lazy days before school starts back and we both get insanely busy in two totally different directions. Here are a few things off the top of my head that I love about my little brother.



-His sense of humor. Bobby and I have a very similar sense of humor and get each other on laughing sprees quite often. I can be in a bad mood and he knows exactly how to get me laughing and always aims to make people around him smile no matter what

-His "its the little things" outlook on life. He is a simple kid and its doesn't take much to make him laugh. Even though he is in middle school he still loves to walk with his arm around my or try to hold my hand. I know that might not last very much longer and I know I should cherish those little moments more than I do.

-His love for God. It is my joy to watch bobby grow in the Lord as he gets older. Recently he and I have connected a lot through music and that is something that God has really used to strengthen His walk. Last week was VBS and bobby acted in some of the drama skits, something he really enjoys doing. We were sitting in my moms office one evening before another night of VBS and he mentioned how it was cool that he got to use something that he loved doing to show other kids Gods love. He really gets it and I love watching him interact with his friends in a way that reflects his walk with Christ and the Gospel in simple yet cool ways. I pray that it continues to stay that way as he gets older and as he grows further in his faith.

Love this kid to pieces! 

How dare we. . .

This past two weeks have been spent getting very abruptly thrown back into real life, applying for jobs, and reflecting on the incredible things that God has done this past summer through CentriKid Camps as well as in my life individually. The other night I thought back to a late night conversation that I had with my friends Seth and Adrienne, who were also staffers, about the urgency that was involved with the opportunity we had been given to share with kids the love of Christ as well as what it meant to live a transformed life as Christians ourselves (what we were focusing on this summer with the kids.) 

We talked about the urgency that the Gospel holds, in our own experiences with Christ as well as in sharing it. We threw out the fact that our hesitations, abilities, or inabilities in relation to sharing it really mean nothing. Because it is fully the Gospel that moves and not us, we just carry it. We are called by God to be obedient to His plan. All that being said we started talking about how often in camp life we would overlook the opportunity to have a conversation with a kid for maybe 10 minutes more or cut corners on spending time with kids to do something as stupid as take a longer shower. All those things being done out of selfish desires. As we sat their with heavy hearts calling ourselves out on things that we needed to re-focus on or cut from our lives Seth shook his head and just said "how dare we".

How.Dare.We.

What he meant was how dare we spend time doing meaningless things when we have been given the opportunity to share the Gospel for a week to these kids Who don't truly know Jesus. When we have been given the chance to disciple those who know Christ and help them to grow in their faith. How dare we belittle what Christ has done in our lives by taking that lightly. At camp it is all about making connections over four-square or during "girl time" and using those connections to share Christ and to teach kids about living a life geared towards the gospel. Not each other (staffers), not a long shower at the end of a tough day, not a quiet dinner. We are called to live a life worthy of the Gospel in all aspects of our life.


Coming back home and thinking about that notion has been such a conviction in my life. How dare I skip out on sharing my beliefs or my experiences with Christ because it might be uncomfortable/awkward. That is not why Christ died for our sins and it surely doesn't glorify God. I joke with people that I can't turn camp mode off...I never want to.

Let's get real...

1 Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. 2 Blessed is the one whose sin the LORD does not count against them and in whose spirit is no deceit.3 When I kept silent,  my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. 4 For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity.  I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD.”  And you forgave the guilt of my sin. 6 Therefore let all the faithful pray to you while you may be found; surely the rising of the mighty waters will not reach them. 7 You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.  8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you. 9 Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you.  10 Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD’s unfailing love surrounds the one who trusts in him. 11 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart! (Psalm 32)

I was reading psalm 32 and it reminded me of when a friend of mine said that he couldn’t really read me do to the fact that (whenever it comes up) I shy away from sharing personal stuff. I didn’t really think about it at first and was like whatever, but then it really started to bother me for some reason. I thought I was being weird but then I really started thinking about it. I do exactly that (a lot) I shy away from anything personal, like a defense mechanism that is a byproduct of who I used to be before I had Christ and the Gospel in my life. Even in my prayer life with God I get into this habit. I hold stuff back and just throw out surface level things which ultimately get me nowhere. I feel more disconnected than before and a feeling of unrest settles in my spirit.

A phrase that I’ve adopted in my prayer life recently is “its about to get real” haha. As strange as it sounds and feels saying that to God…it is exactly what is going on in my spiritual life from the inside (meaning my personal walk with God) and out. 

I felt like that's what David is saying as well.  He says that he knows the Lord forgives (v1,2) but that he still felt like he was running but getting nowhere basically, because he was trying to hide things like sin or what he was struggling with (v3,4).  What happens after that is something big that really convicted me and connected with much that God was showing me personally with CK4 this summer.  He confesses what he is struggling with or going on in his life, wants others to do the same, and in turn finds rest in the Lord. Where does he find it? In the LORD!

Something huge that God has really been hitting me in the face with lately is the fact that the gospel is our main focus, so our peace and security is not found in forgetting or hiding sin/experiences/personal struggles but rather in the Lord. We should rather delight in the freedom that Christ has given us, the deliverance that we have been immersed in and make that the center of our lives boldly. We should be open about our shortcomings, sins, and struggles...not in the sense that we tweet or facebook it, but that we use it as witness and to build relationships with brothers and sisters in Christ.

I have really been seeing this in my personal walk with God lately, the fact that a consistent commitment to chasing after Gods will, will then lead to an overwhelming affection towards God, which can be found through our weakness and shortcomings only because of HIS victory in the Gospel. Nothing that we can do (or hide) will make us better and on the flip side of that nothing we could do can be too shameful because Christ conquered shame. The Gospel is over everything.

Instead of shying away, being afraid, and disconnected in our own spiritual lives as well as with others…its time to get real. 

if grace were an ocean...I would absolutely sink

.photo by the lovely Nicole Pinkleton.

In December I finally got my tattoo. The words say "if Grace is and ocean we're all sinking" from the worship song "How He Loves." This portion of the song has always held so much meaning in my life and is a huge representation as to why I accepted God's astounding grace. 

 In January I was at the beach helping staff a conference and we decided to . While there I had my shoes off and a friend asked about my tattoo. She knew what song it was from but she wanted to know what I thought about when I looked down and saw it on my body. What it meant and why it is so significant to me. I looked down and then looked out at the ocean and began to tell her the story behind it's significance.

The idea of God's grace being an ocean is such a beautiful and accurate illustration. When I stand on a beach and stare out at the ocean a sense of awe comes over me. Looking out and not being able to comprehend  how far, wide, or deep the ocean is completely astounds me. The ocean is so big and vast even those with the greatest of intelligence can't fully understand its depths and wonders. I pointed to the ocean, with its crashing waves and mystery in the dark night and said "that is what I feel when I think of sinking in the midst of God's grace.                                                                                    

Grace is....

full of mystery yet so complete

joyful and grievous

powerful and gentle

breathtaking and invigorating 

overwhelming and calming 

The grace that God has given us is everywhere. It covers all shame, does not discriminate, and has no limits. It is absolutely pure and holds no memory of our wrongs, Christ took them all in His death on the cross and rising from the grave. Making it more than we could comprehend but everything that we need.

The idea of sinking into an ocean is exactly what happens with us and Gods grace. It is something that comes over us so powerfully that we sink under the amount that comes over us. When I was in high school I was in the middle of a terrible relationship that ultimately turned abusive. For a long time after the relationship ended with very jaggedly, I felt as if it was solely my fault, shame overcame me and rooted its self so deep within my life that I let it separate me from even thinking about the salvation that God had for me. But ultimately is was grace through Christs death and rising is what brought me out of the shame and regret, giving my spirit fullness in Christ and Christ alone. There is a verse in John that I feel perfectly represents the idea of us sinking under the amazing thing that is Gods grace. It says,

"And from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace" -John 1:16 

This is what my tattoo is largely based off of. That through the FULLNESS of Christ we receive one grace after another. This is so much grace that it is as if we are sinking in it. Like an ocean's depths we will never truly know the ends of Gods grace, because it does not end. It is that vast and wondrous. it astounds me each time I reflect on my life or look down at the script arching across my skin.

thoughts at 1:46 am

Last week was filled with stress and worry for me. With midterms, commuting from school/home/work, being sick a lot, and trying to balance a social life I was almost spent and was solely focusing on things that I thought were of the utmost importance at the time. But really all of those things are secondary at best. God has been showing me some amazing truths  as of late that I need to apply to my life and that I fall short on WAY too often.

 School is important for getting the grades and working toward a degree (Phys. Ed w/ a Minor in Religious Studies to be exact) but that isn't the whole picture, only a piece in Gods will for our lives. In the last semester and a half I have grown so much closer to my Savior and have worked out so many issues that I didn't even realize that I was dealing with when I came to college. My daily time with Him in prayer, as well as in fellowship with others, has changed my life tremendously. I had so easily gotten into the habit of telling God only what I thought He wanted to hear, rather than the necessary depth that our relationship yearned for. I constantly struggle most in the presence of God Himself, strange right?  So in the midst of me stressed out by midterms and deadlines setting aside time with the Lord and stepping away from the stresses for those times lifted such a weight of my shoulder, it really liberated my from my stress (which I do not deal with well)

So often I slip on my responsibility of being real with God, the one person I should long to be real with in the first place! Being real with God is an odd concept because we know that He is omniscient (all knowing!!), so why should we have to dish out our dirty lives constantly. The point however is that we should want to! An honest relationship with God requires   He does not judge our pasts or look at our sin in the way we do, because He conquered that! What an amazing truth that I am reminded of almost daily through the rush of school's insanity. Sometimes during intense bouts of studying I feel like I can't handle it (you know those really bad moments where dropping out and joining the circus seems like your best bet?) through those moments God has reminded me to look at the big picture (His picture), turning to Him for rest and comfort from the stresses we find plaguing our lives. Such an amazing God we have that He can bring us to Him even when we refuse to be real, reminding us of where we are really from. That He is home.

Happy Spring Break! 

10k or BUST!

So out of impulse I decided to sign up for a 10k that Richmond hosts in March called the Monument Avenue 10k. I have NEVER been an avid runner but I mean what the heck, why not give it a shot right? So for the past few weeks I have been casually hitting the gym every week and seeing some progress! Needless to say I will not get some fantastic time but it will be so much fun to be part of something that HUGE in the city of Richmond. Plus who could resist signing up with all those adorable feet staring back at you! My best friend Taylor and a bunch of people from my campus ministry at VCU are also running and I mean really....who doesn't love to bond over sweat and heavy breathing? (get your mind out of the gutter kiddos)

I also am contemplating the amazing idea of dressing up  as a super hero for the race...or at least wearing a VCU themed cape! With VCU being at the heart of the city, as well as a portion of where the race is held, a ton of student participation goes on. That kind of makes it the coolest thing ever.

Exciting? I think yes.
Are you ready for a Rampede?

you lit up our days so we lit up your night

(candlelight vigil for Grayson, photo courtesy of photographer Nick Liberate at Patrick Henry High School)

Over Christmas break, I lost a friend. He decided that his life didn't hold enough worth to continue living, giving into the pain and guilt that chained him down after losing his mom and battling an addiction. I met Grayson in middle school, several years ago. I don't remember exactly when or where we met but the first memory I have of him is sitting in the gym during some type of pointless assembly at the beginning of sixth grade, Grayson sat down in our row and quickly began cracking jokes and making everyone laugh. That is just who Grayson was. He had an infectious smile that lit up the room, a strong compassion for others, could build literally anything, and would try just about anything once (which may have contributed to his downfall) We were close until eleventh grade, when Grayson fell into something that he wouldn't be able to dig himself out of. An interwoven snare of pain and addiction that he would feel trapped in.
At his funeral the other day Grayson's family had requested that the reverend speak about the struggle with addiction that held so tightly to Grayson. He expressed the sad story of where they can make a person compromise ones values, the morals that were built within a stable family. Grayson's father loved him so much and would have given the whole world for Grayson to be happy and addiction free. I wish that Grayson could have fully realized how unconditionally his family and friends love him. I wish he could have seen a hope for his life, a hope for his brokenness through healing in Christ.
The emotions that follow a suicide are remnant of being lost. Your mind begins to try and wrap itself around something that it will never be able to understand. The whole thing didn't seem real until I stood beside the door of the small country church that Grayson grew up in and watched our friends carry the casket holding their very best friend to the graveside. That is when it hit a lot of us that at 19 Grayson decided that he wasn't worth it anymore, that he was gone.
Grayson was loved by so many and the fact that he touched so many lives in 19 short years is astonishing. His caring smile, heartwarming laugh, and insane sense of adventure will forever live in our hearts. 19 years isn't very long to live but Grayson's memory will stay with us here. I can only pray that those who knew him, that may fall into the same pain or feelings of dependence seek a sense of hope in Christ and see that their life holds so much worth, just as Grayson's did.

We will miss you so much Grayson. Forever in our hearts.